A Fresh Start

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Hello friends :) It's been over 2 months since I have sat down at this keyboard and posted anything to this blog. I am not actually sure why except I needed the break. I still don't know how often I will be here sharing details of my life but I hope to come around more often and try to re-connect to not only this blog but to you guys as well. I really did love sharing here. Making videos became stressful but this blog has been such a love of mine for so many years now. After Scott, I just wasn't sure I should or could continue writing here. But after a lot of thought and prayer I decided to keep this space. This has been my journey shared here and some of the people who has shared in blog posts are no longer in my life for one reason or another. I think you will see though that true family is still around. And don't just think of family as blood. I have a full circle who has stuck around through it all. Just as many of you. This is and has been my little space for documenting my life. Not always exciting or happy but real....love it or hate it....take it or leave it. 

At this point I share less ( obviously ) and that is because not everything needs to be shared. A powerful lesson that I should have learned years ago. I am going to try to keep things more upbeat with maybe the occasional bitch fest in Tuesday Truths.:) I want to keep this blog from getting out of control like it once did. Divorce is never easy. I do cherish the good days we shared but I am never going to share again like I did during that period. In fact, some of those posts and videos are already gone. It wasn't some of my best moments. I overshared and I regret it. No one made me do it. I wore my heart on my sleeve and blogging during that time was a big outlet. Soooo many of you reached out to me with your own life journeys offering every kind of support you could. I appreciate it all but again, I regret sharing so much. 

As life has moved on, I find myself in a new relationship that I am more protective of. I have shared photos and little clips of our life on instagram but for the most part, I have kept offline. Its about learning lessons of the past. It was interesting the other night when Ryan and I went out with my mom and Don. Don pointed out that things are so different in terms of my attitude and happiness. It made me wonder how much Scott and I really didn't get along. The anger is gone. I am not the same person and I am thankful everyday that I don't live the same way now. The stress is so much less than it was before. And guess what!? I am dealing with a lot more now. So as life moves on, we will see where it goes. I don't pretend to know the future. Anything can happen at any time but I feel confident that the future is filled with love and happiness and that's all I can ask for. 

I have been so much busier during this stage of my life. I was working for a long bit and actually found a job that was nice and easy and rather enjoyable. That took up a lot of time and it was really hard to balance my time. I never thought there were enough hours in the day. I still don't. I still have trouble balancing my time. But I am not working at the moment so there is a little more time. I am on the couch and in the bed more than ever. It's very hard being on bedrest when there is so much to get done. But I am being very careful and whenever I get tired I lay down. I get out a very little bit but again, it's done at such small intervals. To be expecting at this age, is hard and painful to tell the truth but I don't regret it at all. I am beyond excited. Ryan is over the moon happy and our family will surround this new addition in love and kindness. I have no doubts. This little boy is loved so much now and none of us has met him yet! I will try to get a pregnancy update filmed sometime soon. It doesn't take much effort to sit and talk so I think I will be safe filming. And I would like to catch up. At this point I am 32 weeks and I am praying that he stays put for a while longer. Again, I am just trying to be careful and trusting in God. 

 I didn't plan all the different things that has happened when I started blogging, and these feelings of vulnerability, grief, heartache, and fear that have been so strong since Scott dying.  Honestly they've kept me from typing like this and sharing online over and over again. But it doesn't go away, the need to share. I'm going to try harder to type more as I've promised so many times in the past. I'm going to try to take more pictures, to share more favorites, to cook more. I'm also going to hope more, and to simply be brave. Not because I expect to make any great difference moving forward or because you need me or my writings at all, but because I need you... now more than ever. You have been my village for a very long time and I couldn't be more grateful for everything you have helped us get through. This is not a space for judgement, ridicule and meanness. This is my little spot and I will not let it be abused like that. It's my hope that you will continue this journey with me and somehow find some inspiration and joy from the posts to come. I want you to be active in this blog. Leave your comments. Let me know your thoughts....lets lift each other up.  

Thank you so much for reading if you've made it this far, and again, please excuse the rambly posts from here on out:) I love you guys. Have a great week. And please come back....there will be more. 

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