Life Update....Getting Divorced.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Hello friends. I know many of you have been wanting an update so here I am. Scott and I have been together for a long time. We made tons of great memories. We had tons of laughs.  We tried to make each other happy. But somehow along the way, we both started pulling away from each other instead of coming together and working on what was wrong. And believe me.....we both had our faults. Faults that ended up scaring the other person more than once. I think we both wanted a divorce but honestly, I was too scared to admit it. I was scared to loose my family....I wanted to fight to make things better. But God has other plans I suspect. 

And then one final fight ends it all. Things said can't be taken back. Action can't be taken back. And now we both are at a very difficult spot where I feel vulnerable, scared, angry. All normal feelings under such circumstances. And now honestly, I am left here alone to pick up the pieces of what is left. Not surprising but more than I can really handle alone. I feel set up and used....lied to and abandoned. But I already know that in time these feelings will pass. I know that in no time my broken heart and broken spirit will be healed. 

I am not sure what I am going to do with this blog. I might leave it the way it is and just go with things. I might delete photos and videos of Scott. I have no idea. I am in the middle of giving my animals away and trying to figure out what I truly want out of this house. Really I just want to grab a bag and walk out without ever looking back. But family and friends think that is crazy so maybe a few things from this house will end up in the next place I live. I really could care less at this point. But thankfully I have people around me who do care. Who are looking out for my best interest including my kids. Jackson and I were talking the other night and he made me promise to never get back with Scott for what he has done to us and our family. My daughter has been an angel through everything. I understand how the kids feel. I truly do. We are loosing everything and someone we loved used an argument as an excuse to leave. In reality I think he has had it planned out for a while which is fine. It just shocked me. 

There was a point when I was crying and begging...threatening...doing anything I could to get him to walk back through the door. I have poor communication skills to say the least. I have never been good at expressing how I feel. I am still kinda in shock but I am doing ok. I am still here. I am still trying to go on regardless a man walking out. I am trying to surround myself with people who truly love me and want the best for me. Clearly that person wasn't Scott. Clearly Scott was not the love of my life. And it's past time I get him out of my head. He has been a security blanket for me for years. Not a companion that I could trust. I was told I was verbally abusive to him. I probably was. He was no easy person to live with. He has demons of his own which made our life hard and complicated. I guess it was just too much. 

And now at this point, we are being kicked out of this house. Perfect huh? Is it scary, YES. Is it sad. YES. It is ever going to be the same again. NO.  I am beyond sad at this point. I never really wanted a divorce. I wanted to fight for my marriage and family but I can't do this alone. And if I am the only one really wanting things to get better, it still won't work. I don't think there is any hope at this point for Scott and myself. I think our only hope is to move on in our different directions and try to find the happiness we both are looking for....and never found in each other. I am not sure why it hurts so badly. I did love him. I still do but after everything he has done to me, our family, our animals.  None of them deserved this. There was no respect for the other lives in our family. And now I am left to figure it out all alone. Thanks Scott. We are his 4th disposable family. Scott tends to throw family's away when he gets tired of them. I just thought we would make it. I don't run when it gets hard. I don't call the police. I don't file papers in the court. I am just not that kind of person and I never thought I married that kind of person either. 

And if all of that is not enough....I have his family, writing cryptic blog posts shaming myself and Scott's older daughter. ( and by the way, that was his first disposable family. ) If I really told you half the stuff he has done, you guys would be shocked. Yet we are the ones to blame. I honestly can't figure out for the life of me why anyone would put their nose in someone else's divorce. And they are not even happy with their own miserable self and marriage. It's great. But people with big mouths and big attitudes don't know how to stay out of other people's business. It's people like her who have enabled Scott to do wrong for years and more importantly wrong right now. She doesn't know how to keep a marriage together I am sure she is out singing his greatest praise being the little sister enabler. 

So with all of that said, I am going to try...I mean really try to move on with my life. Close this chapter with a man who clearly never loved me or this family. I hope to find love again one day. I hope to find happiness again one day and I hope to learn to be a better mom. The kids are the ones that are truly keeping me going. Without them I would be so lost. Actually, I am still lost. I am lonely. I am hurt. I can't believe someone who I loved and forgiven for so many years would stoop so low and leave me in the position I am in. I guess when people show you who they are....believe them.