Heavy Heart...

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

What a day...I woke up early and took Jackson to school, and came home and fell back to sleep. It took a while because the kittens were going crazy but eventually I was able to doze back off. Then I wake up to no internet, no tv.. and I was pissed. Time Warner is just not my favorite tv people anymore. It took from 1 -4 for them to fix it. WTF? I wonder if I could be compensated for that?? My sister in law Trina seems to think so! I tried to make the most of it.. but I had to make call after call. I didn't really mind the tv being gone.. but what I did mind was the internet not working! I was able to hook my phone up to my laptop for internet but it was slow.. I just gave up and went outside. It was actually nice.. I walked the dog.. took in the fresh air.. sat on the back porch and read.. and even hung out with my friendly neighbor.  Honestly, I was pissed.. and I should have got busy around the house but instead I just let the stupid tv drama take over. I was grumpy.. and I wasn't so nice to anyone today.

Jackson came home with not such a good report from school and I think I might have over reacted. I feel bad about it.. and tonight when I was tucking him in.. he about broke my heart. He said.. " Dad couldn't handle me.. so I came here.. and where are you going to send me if you can't handle me either?? " OMG.. heartbreaking. He's only 10 years old. I reassured him that he isn't going anywhere.. and I also apologized for being a huge grump today. Again.. it was totally heart breaking. So tonight I need to get some rest and wake up in a much better mood tomorrow. I sometimes forget that my son can feel my energy.. and the last thing I want him feeling is scared that I am going to ship him off somewhere. Yea.. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I didn't know that was something he was scared of.  But now I also understand what he feels about his dad too. So I have my work cut out for me. I want every minute of mine, every second  to be as influential on him as possible in a good way. Today I feel I failed at it all.. Tonight I feel a little better and tomorrow is going to be a new day with some new changes. I am not a perfect parent. No matter how many books I read....or other parents I talk to.. there is no one formula that works for each child. You just have to learn from the experiences that are put in front of you and try to keep doing better. Oh, and btw.. Jackson choose to come here on his own..but he didn't get along well with his father. However apparently in his mind, he kicked him out .. It couldn't be further from the truth. My ex husband loves Jackson very much. They just had trouble getting along.

Tomorrow is already here.. and I have to be up a little earlier to make sure he is up on time.. husby is going into work early and can't do the morning shift. I have big plans on what I want the morning to be. And even if I have to fake it till I make it, I will put a smile on my face at 7am . I have some parenting things I need to work on and its starting in the morning.

When you know better, you should do better.


K Jaggers

6 comments on "Heavy Heart..."
  1. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mom, too. But our failures, weaknesses, and sins are not who we are. We are normal moms who sometimes has rough spots. Tomorrow will likely be better.


    1. Thank you for that sweet comment. Yesterday was much better but your right there are tons of rough spots that just pop up when you least expect it! Hope you have a great day!

  2. Heartbreaking about the fact that his perception is so different. One day he will recognize. :)
    Thanks for linking!

    1. Its strange because he use to call and tell me - mom, come get me now.. I don't be here... over and over and over. Of course I made him wait until school was out but it was totally his decision but he see's it so different. All I can do is remind him and assure him that he can see his dad anytime. Hopefully your right and one day he understand things a little better. Hope you have a great Wednesday!

  3. Oh my goodness - heartbreaking! It's amazing how kids interpret things - we do our best, but eeeeeveryone has bad days! Don't be so hard on yourself - we have all been there!

    I love, love, love what you said about how you want every minute of yours to be positively impactful on him in some way - that's really inspiring. I need to remember that more often - definitely tucking that in my back pocket to remember!

    1. I am so happy that statement inspires you! I have only a limited amount of time to shape him into the person I want him to be. So every minute has to count. Thank you for your sweet comment. When I read it, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for that. Hope you have a great Wednesday! (:


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