Bullies Create Bullies... a Mommy Post

Monday, March 4, 2013

[ I am adding this post under Theme Thursday with Theme Thursday with Something Clever 2.0 because its about our parenting styles and I feel this post shows exactly what my style is! ]

Oh boy you guys.. do I ever have a mommy post for you today. Its not an easy one either. Brittany.. my 11 year old is suspended today. Both my kids have got in trouble at school this year. Its insane. I need you to give you a quick back story about some of the the things leading up to this. And these are minor children I am talking about so I am not using real names besides my own children. 

Brittany has a little friend who was in the same class. The little girl was getting bullied.. badly. She ended up trying to kill herself. This is a 11 year old little girl. Her parents took her out of school and is trying to get her well. All thought this would calm things down. Well it didn't calm down. 

Thursday night the boy that my daughter likes sent her a forwarded conversation about her friend. Its awful.. written by another 11 year old little girl. And here it is.. I did blur out the names..

Well Brittany was feeling bad that night and went to bed early. I talked to her as she was walking down out the door in the morning and she seemed fine. Well she went to school and told the boy that she likes that if she sees the girl who sent the messages she was going to punch her in the face. He goes and tells everyone he knows.. and then they all get pulled into the office. Some how facebook is brought up and she has the 3 kids pull their facebook accounts up. With a quick look it shows all the kids going back and forth with mean comments and status updates. The principle informed Brittany that threatening to hit someone gets her 1 day in school suspension and 1 day out of school. She goes straight to in school suspension and my ex husband is called. Then I get the frantic call. So after an hour of listening and talking to him.. I call Brittany.. at school. We have a really long conversation and she tells me the truth about what happened. I assured her that we would get through this but she was in trouble. She was crying.  I also told her that she better know that facebook is over.. twitter and all the others are over too. I had to pretty much beg her dad to not bust up the computer in the front yard. At this point we hang up and I start going through her facebook messages like a crazy stalker and found that phone conversation above. 

So back on the phone with my ex husband because it shows they are still bothering Brittanys little friend who just got out of the hospital. It also shows why Brittany was so upset that she would say something like that.. and really feel like doing something such as punching her in the face. So he is heading into the school with the message. I told him that the parents of the little girl should have a copy of that so it can assist them in any kind of restraining order or what ever actions they are taking. And the school should see it being they said over and over this had nothing to do with bullying. 

So lets run through a few thoughts. 

* Brittany is an A/B Honor Roll Student who has never been in trouble at school before. 

* Brittany has been dealing with this situation for weeks and was even instructed by my mom that she should go talk to the principle. 

* Brittany is as tiny as can be.. if she was in a fight she could have been really hurt. Also she does not have the life experience/wisdom/maturity to handle a situation of this on her own. 

* This goes on her school record forever. 

* She is a cheer leader and if she plans on continuing it.. she has to stay out of trouble. 

* But we also knew her ♥ was in the right place. 

When I talked to Brittany after she got home she informed me that she was in the in school suspension with the boy she liked and they even let her out early to cheer. WTF?  Put the 2 little love birds together in a room all day.. and then let her out early to cheer even though she is suspended on Monday? Is it just me.. but that just doesn't sound right. 

When I asked Brittany about it, she said.. 

" I am the one they throw around in the air mom.. they needed me. "

Shit.. that arrogance in its finest form. And that is such a screwed mixed message from the school. 

Brittany was walking home from the bus stop talking to me on the phone scared to go see what her dad had to say. She knew that they had called him but they had not spoke. She finally said.. 

" I am standing in front of the house.. do I have to go in? " 

I said.. 

" Where else are you going to go? You have to go in and face it. " 


She is crying at this point.. " What is he going to do to me?  "


" Well hes not going whip you or anything."

We hung up and I let her deal with him. He lectured her for a good 2 hours.. grounded her from all internet, text messages, and social media. I had to back him up because for a while now I have felt that her facebook manners were fading. 

The boy she likes sent Brittany a message and I am monitoring her fb account. So we talk back and forth and he is a total smart ass.

He de-activates his account seconds later. So a friend and I track down his mom and I send her a polite message saying we should talk. She calls the next afternoon. She was kind.. and told me.. 

* My son has been in trouble for years. Hes really cute and the class clown. He's always getting into trouble. 

* She said since he didn't miss any school.. he wasn't really in trouble. She has 3 boys and a girl and this is just not that serious. 

* That Stephen is not dating Brittany.. they are just friends.. he is dating someone else. 

The conversation was short and I just listened in shock. First off.. Brittany not dating him.. NO SHIT. Brittany is 11 and she doesn't date. Second.. he did get into trouble in my eyes.. but I am not judging her.. she has her hands full. She also told me she didn't know much about it.. The school had left some voice mail on her phone and she didn't listen to it yet. I expected something different but thats what I got. 

So now back to Brittany. 

She still needs to learn...

* Don't let your angry emotions take over. She has to learn to control herself better. 

* Don't make threats unless she is prepared to follow through. 

* Fighting is unacceptable.. under all circumstances unless she is protecting herself. 

* She also needs to understand schools are much more dangerous now and they take everything very serious .. she can't threaten anyone. 

* She could have got hurt and possibly expelled if she had got into a fight. 

* She will also be writing sentences and letters...just as Jackson did. 

I also had a talk with her about Stephen. First off.. he ran his mouth about what she said for 1 or 2 reasons..

1. Because he wanted to see her get into a fight.

2. Because he wanted to see her get into trouble. 

I also explained the conversation to Brittany. I basically told her that Stephen might be a nice and fun guy most of the time but he is not going to be someone who is important in her life. And that I totally respect his parents, I don't think that my daughter needs to be around them. That is not the kind of family I want my either of my children around. No. I want a family that takes things with their kids a little more serious.. and I don't want a mom of a 11 yr old who thinks its ok for him to date. It might be a very nice family but not for us. 

Then I further explained that to Brittany that she basically became a bully herself to handle another bully. That in a second her judgement went from kind and loving little girl to stooping to that low level where she herself was being a bully.  She has no right to threaten anyone..so that is lesson was not easy for her to hear either.. but its the truth. She said she didn't mean it but it came out of her mouth so she is responsible for it. 

And lets go over those text messages again.. 

Can you freaking believe that a 11 year old sent these messages?? God.. kids are so evil. And my ex husband took this to the Brittanys school today.. even though she was suspended. There position is... this was still not a bullying incident because the little girl who was bullied is no longer at that school. That the bullys did this on their own person time and its not a school issue. Well these text are floating all over Brittany's School... and there are many more so I do think it is a school issue. My ex husband said he thought they were blowing it off. They did tell him that the police have been notified by the other little girls parents so they are handling it. He said he is going to contact her parents via Brittanys facebook and ask if they want a copy. That school is sending out so many mixed messages. Doesn't seem to me that they know what they are doing.. and I am judging that. 

Tossing both kids in the in school suspension so they could have a day together.. alone in class was stupid.. they loved it.

Letting Brittany out for cheer sends a very mixed message.

Did they even have a right asking the kids for their fb passwords? I am thinking NOT. 

Not taking the text messages serious when all the kids are looking at them and passing them around in the hallways. This is a school problem. Its also a criminal problem. 

If I ever caught either of my kids speaking like that I would seriously never let them have a phone again for YEARS.. or any computer device. I would flip out.. yet this girl just keeps doing it. I hope she is held accountable for her actions because this is insane  Its so easy to forget that all of us are human. Why is that? Doesn't she realize what she is doing to another soul?? I don't even whip my kids but if they sent out a message like that it would be hard to restrain myself from beating their asses. 

We are all proud of Brittany for sticking up for her friend. But she can never allow herself to become someone she isn't to handle any situation. She wasn't equiped to handle this herself. She needed adult help and when she got that message her father and I both should have been notified. 

Today she is was at home.. wrote her letters of apology and tomorrow I am sure is going to be full of drama. All the kids are talking about it.. I am monitoring her fb page and she is getting message after message about what is happening. But she can't go to school and say what happened so she better just put her head down and focus on her work.. otherwise she could get right back in trouble again. 

My kids are not only learning lesson after lesson.. I also am learning too. I am having to handle things right so she will. God knows I have a few thoughts that are not so kind and sweet but again the goal is.. 

To make little people
 GOOD big people.

Hopefully she has learned the lessons of this experience and now can move on to the next lesson. 

Woooo- kids are exhausting! 

K Jaggers

14 comments on "Bullies Create Bullies... a Mommy Post"
  1. Hi Kisha. Firstly, I am sorry to hear about the trouble you and Brittany have to face. Secondly, I applaud you for a well written post! Kids are hard in general but I agree that the situation has become rather appalling! In fact, I searched the hashtag for my town on instagram yesterday and saw some primary school girls posting photos of themselves. Do they even know where these photos can end up?? I was shocked and was going to blog about it! I have a 7 year old and I worry about how I will deal with her & the internet in time to come. My daughter was bullied too and told she was disgusting and ugly and "gay" when she was 5 in Kindergarten. What would 5 year olds know about being gay??! What has happened to children?? They are not really children anymore, sadly.

  2. Crapola! My heart goes out to you hon! I work in the school system and although I have no kids of my own yet, I have heard the stories at my elementary school and how horrible they treat each other and how some parents don't think what happens to their kids, at this age, is a big deal.
    Cyberbullying in any shape or form is a big issue anywhere you turn. Thank you so much for protecting your daughter but for also realizing that she needed to realize her actions/reactions were wrong.

    Thank you for thinking this through with her, and definitely educate her on cyberbullying. Demand your school system to develop laws against it. Encourage a ban against phones and such.

    Andie's Traveling Pants

  3. @ Mandy. Thank you for your very sweet and kind comment. I don't know what is wrong with them. I am stumped how they are.. and you know if they are this way so young... think about them at 20. Its terrible and I hope things have calmed down with your daughter. I am shocked that us parents have to deal with this with such young children. Have a beautiful week.

    @ Andiepants... Thank you for your kind comment. I should demand the school do something. I think there is a ban about the phones but its not really enforced. My daughter calls me from school all the time. But this situation was really hard. I hated punishing her when I know she was just sticking up for a beloved friend but she did stoop to their level and needs to realize it.. and realize its not acceptable for them or her to act that way. Hope you have a great week!

  4. Wow! Is it sad that I'm not shocked that things like that came out of an 11 yr olds mouth, well mind? It's sad how kids act these days and how young it starts! I think you handled the situation extremely well! I agree that the school didn't really do anything right. There is a whole host of issues with how they went about things! Good luck with everything! I hope it all smooths over soon.

    Stopping by from the Mommy Confession link up!


  5. Oh my goodness - what a horrible story! I can't believe 11-year olds are that mean!! Big kudos to Brittany for trying to stick up for the poor girl. And bigger kudos to you for handing it in such a great way. Yikes. I do not look forward to the teen years!

    Thanks for linking up with us!

  6. Our school has made it clear that they have a no social media policy because you are not meant to have an account until you are 13.

    I can believe how evil these girls were because I was on the receiving end when I was at school.

    I think that was kind of your daughter to stick up for her friend, even if she didn't go the right way about it.

    Does she know what you have done to her Facebook cover? I'd be worried that people would try and bully her now. And is she still allowed to see the boy she likes?

    I hope it all sorts itself out.

    Visiting from Thirsty for Comments.

  7. It is such a different world from they way it was when I was growing up--yeah--we had bullies but they didn't get too far--the majority of the kids would just ignore them and side with the person bullied. The schools took it extremely seriously. Dating at 11 years old? I don't think so-----you and your husband are doing all you can to re instill in your kids true and good values--keep up the good work.

  8. I'm only 22 so it's not that long ago I was in school but things have changed SO much! We didn't have phones etc. We used msn every now and then. At 11 I don't think I really knew much about suicide and have to wonder if the media is making it this way - how else are children so young learning so much about something they should have no business thinking about, let alone trying?!

    I think you handled this situation really well and I hope things improve. I'm sure you're proud to know that Brittanys heart was in the right place even if she didn't quite know how to handle her feelings on the situation.

    The school seems to be trying to pass the buck in my opinion by making it "not a school matter" when all the children involved were from their school together. If a child has to leave your school because of bullying, to me that is a school issue!

    Very good read, thank you!

  9. It seems to me that the school suspended her because they had to, according to policy, but they empathized with her, so that's why they let her out early. Just my guess...

  10. Oh WOW! My oldest is 5 and I am scared to death that she will ever be involved in something like this. I might just jump right over to helicopter parenting where the computers are concerned! Thanks for sharing such a hard time - I admire how you handled it.

  11. Oh my gosh this story shocked me. So crazy!
    Thanks for linking up with us!
    Megan @ thememoirsofmegan.com

  12. Man the hubby and I talk a lot about how different our sons life is gonna be because of social media. It's really scary.

  13. Wow - I am not looking forward to these years (my kids are younger). My daughter did have a bully in kindergarten (a 4th grader who rode her bus). Luckily she moved to a different bus.

  14. Living in a bubble is looking better after this. I am sorry fit what you are going through, hang in and keep up the good work. Here from Theme Thursday.


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