MARRIED LIFE - What Does It Take To Keep A Marriage Together?? -

Thursday, November 17, 2011

My little stalker friend posed a comment to me..about what it takes to keep my marriage together. I told you guys about this already but she said..

All I have to do for Scott is Feed Him, Flatter Him, and F*** Him. 

 That comment got a ton of its own comments on facebook and it also got a lot of laughs in our home. So thanks to that comment, we have our topic for this week.

Now, I know I removed the other Married Life Post because of a stupid comment but I am back at it!!

So lets talk about


All you guys in a relationship or married, what do you think it takes to keep a marriage together?? Do you think its easy merging 2 lives together?? Well, I don't and here are my thoughts on the subject..

Falling in love is not the same as staying in love. It takes a lot of work and dedication to make it last. I think there are tons of elements that make it work.

 First and for most is COMMUNICATION. This is extremely vital in any long term relationship. And this is not just about - you talking -. Its about you listening too. Sometimes you don't have to communicate back with all the answers, just listening helps. Looking each other in the eye with no other distractions is key to making communication work. And remember, talking is great but actions always speak louder than words. You have to speak what you think no matter how good or how bad.This is by far one of the most important elements of keeping your marriage or relationship strong. Talk.. Talk.. Talk.. 

I think ENDURANCE is the next important thing to make a relationship work. Nearly all marriages fail in divorce - the statistics are 1/2 of them fail and with 2nd marriages the rate is just a tiny bit lower - so clearly endurance is not something many of us do. I think we have to stick it out no matter what. Now, I got an email about being divorced and yes. my first marriage failed miserably. I mean we could have been the poster people for what NOT to do. But when I go back and look at what made that marriage go bad, a lot of it was me and a lot of it was him. I don't think people should stay in a marriage if they are being abused or just staying for the kids sake but what I know now is... Marriage can never work if you run away when you are upset. You have to stay and fight it out. All of us take our marriage vows to God and vow to stay no matter what. Leaving should not ever be an option. What I think a lot of people fail to realize is the endurance and weathering through the storms is what gives any relationship the stability to stay together.

Next up.. RESPECT. I think its vital that both the people in the relationship respect each other. When people find mates its the same basic beliefs that brings them together and what helps hold them together. With respect comes TRUST. I have serious trust issues. I have since high school but I respect my husband I think he respects me enough to not take advantage of my trust. I don't think its possible to have respect without trust or visa versa. If you set limits in your relationship about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable this should keep everything in line. Again, if you are with someone who is not respecting you or who you can trust, you are in the wrong relationship. Love is not suppose to hurt.  And if you are already married, you should really try to work on this. Take it from someone who knows..feeling like you can't trust someone, you are going to go around and every thing you do is going to be based off that emotion. Every decision you make, every thought you have, every action will come back to the trust issue. Work through it.. you will save your relationships if you do!

I think another huge part of keeping a marriage together is GIVING EACH OTHER ROOM TO GROW. We all need our own hobbies and friendships to help keep our own identifies. I think we all have to build ourselves first and then focus on others. If we keep our lives mostly together and then have a little of our own time, it will make all the difference in happiness. Scott plays golf. I blog, have the cats and have friends of mine own. As does he. I don't think it best to just hate all your mates friends. I think if they are their friends, you have to try to get along with them. Clearly there is something good about them if your partner is friends with them. When you take time to yourself and grow, it will only make your marriage grow.

Another thing to think about is CONFLICT. How do you fight in your marriage? Is it fair?? Is it name calling?? How you fight will determine a lot about how long your marriage or relationship will last. The main thing I have found in a fight is sticking to the point. If you are fighting over a bill, going off in the direction of his dirty clothes laying on the floor will not help. Stick to what you are upset about. I don't think you should sweat the small stuff either. I think if we all understand that we are on the same side as your mates, the fight would be not near as bad. You are not fighting against your partner. You are fighting with them. Big difference. Its when  you are fighting on different sides is when the problem comes in. I also think you should risk conflict by being more honest than you are comfortable with. It builds intimacy. I mean a prime example of this is a serious talk Scott and I had the other night. Someone came back in our lives without any warning and it was truly upsetting me. I just told him exactly why. It was a brutally honest conversation and while I felt horrible for some of the words coming out of my mouth, he understood why I was upset. You just have to let it flow and say how you really feel. Sugar coating it will not help at all. Even with that said, I think its also very important to be polite and courteous as much as possible. I didn't offend him at all when I was speaking so honest because I did it with careful consideration. You will hear from many people that you should not go to bed mad either. While I agree with that most of the time, there are times when its best to just end it and start fresh the next day. There have been lots of times one of us has gone to bed mad. I have hated it too. But always the next morning, we talk with cool heads and nothing seems as bad as it was the night before. Sometimes a good nights sleep helps everything. And remember, you don't fix things by trying to fix your spouse. Its starts with YOU..

Now lets talk about CONTRIBUTING to your marriage. Marriage takes work as we all know but what do we do to contribute? I think the little things make all the difference. Love notes laying around, kissing when they walk through the door, set time aside for time alone. So many of us are juggling children, jobs, pets, our homes and our marriage usually takes a back seat to those things. Letting that happen can destroy any marriage. You can't just neglect your life together and expect it work out. You get what you give and that means - Give Better -. I don't think you should ever say things like " this is MINE, or My house, or My pets, etc. Its not just about YOU.. Two people said I do.. its now about the two of you. And the word you should be using all the time is OUR. Our house, Our life, Our pets. See the difference??  Just keeping those words straight will not only keep you from unnecessary arguments but will also validate to your spouse that you are not in this alone. Big Big Big Deal. Think before you speak.  Also you should be making life decisions TOGETHER. Scott and I are truly best friends and I want his opinion before I decide something. I love hearing his thoughts. I have had a track record of not making some of the best decisions. Now, I take advantage of having someone to run them by before I do anything. This makes him feel appreciated and important and it makes me feel safe in what I am deciding. Also for a lot of woman, help around the house means everything. We are the ones normally cooking and cleaning but if you are a man and reading this.. contribute with the chores and house. You have no idea how much that actually helps. You don't have to do it perfect, just do it. And watch how much she smiles!

Now lets talk about SEX..Sex is a huge part of any relationship. Letting some one in on our most intimate part of us is simply letting someone into our own private world. If you struggle to find time to be intimate together, you should make the time. A date on the calender is not near as sexy as just spur of the moment but it doesn't matter. You have to meet each others needs. If not, you will have some serious problems coming your way. Focus on giving, not taking. I think one of the most sexiest things for any person to do with someone they are in love with is to be vulnerable. That is not only comforting to have someone you can be that way with its also life changing. Sex is important.. very important. Don't just ignore it. I have those days when the last thing I wanted to do is craw under the sheets with my husband. But you know, its on those days when I basically force myself to do it when it feels the best. Not just physically but mentally. It always feels good to be loved no matter how tired you are.

And the last thing I am going to talk about that keeps a relationship working is LOVE. We all felt it to be in the positions we are in today. Something about the person you are with captured your heart. And years into it, its still there. Sometimes you just have to remember what brought you together. I think saying I Love You on a DAILY BASIS is very very important. We all need to hear it. I don't understand people who don't say it. My grandmother would rather step on her lips than to let those words flow out. I'm serious..she just doesn't say it. I doubt she ever said it in any of her relationships and I think that's sad. If you feel it, say it.. and even on the days you don't really feel happy with your partner that doesn't mean they still don't need to hear you say you love them. I think you should always kiss each other daily. I think you should always hold hands when you can and just be there as a soft spot for them to fall. You are who they picked. You are the one they want. You are the one the fell in love with and You are the one that has to help keep it going. Face it ladies, we are the glue that holds everything together in our lives. While it is a huge responsibility for any and all of us but its well worth it. We are the leaders and we all have to lead with LOVE above all..

So there are my thoughts on keeping a marriage together. Its not so easy to just feed them, flatter them, and sleep with them. I suspect that stalker girl is NOT married because I don't think those words would have ever flowed from her mouth if she was. It take work, endurance, love and even conflict to make it last. You might get it.. but can you keep it??

If you have any thoughts at all on this topic, I want to hear from you. Don't hesitate to email me.

Nothing is off limits with this topic. Nothing.. And remember.. your emails are private to me and I will not share your email addresses or names. I might post what you say but it will be done discretely.

K Jaggers
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